Royal Risotto

If only crowns were made of this. Pity.

Dear Wills and Kate,

Well done for getting hitched.

Wills, I especially like how you handled your bald-spot with dignity and humour. It bodes well for you that you carry your physical ridiculousness quite comfortably, because seeing how the rest of your family have gone – you’re in for a lot of it along the way.

I watched you guys on a small youtube window on my computer while making some risotto for my lunch.  It’s probably not the most romantic or indeed traditional way to watch your wedding I know, but there were a couple of factors. Firstly, I just didn’t know if I could handle Elton John in HD.  He looks like a potplant that plays host to a scrappy little swampfrog these days, and my TV is new, so… sorry about that.  Secondly, I would have been up to my eyeballs in Yorkshire Pudding and Spotted Dick and all that other English stuff, if it weren’t for the fact that I didn’t plan ahead and happened to have some risotto in the cupboard at the time, so went that way instead.  Again, sorry about that.

Kate. You smile a lot. I hope it’s not because you’re hiding some cosmic and infinite pain inside, and more because Wills is a funny guy and constantly makes jokes about friendly badgers and a wisecracking owl. Congratulations on snagging your prince, even though your sister is hotter and doesn’t have those thin lips you’re cursed with (see earlier section about bald spots), I’m sure you will be very happy.

I’m glad you decided to sing so much during your wedding, because it meant I had the chance to see the Queen forget the words to ‘Jerusalem’, which was most excellent. This also unfortunately proves that she’s probably not a marauding space-robot, as I’ve long suspected. But it is somewhat comforting to know that at the end of the day she’s just an old bat who looks surprisingly good in yellow (her diet of canaries, human placenta and lemon cream probably has something to do with that).

Your kiss was small, but probably the right thing to do. I know the Royal Snipers were definitely on standby somewhere in the crowd, ready to unleash hell if there was the slightest hint of tongue, so good save.

Thanks for all the laughs, and may I suggest that your first child be called Morris. But only if it’s a girl.



This risotto is exactly the same recipe that can be found here, but instead of using the rosa tomatoes, bacon and apricots, substitute the oven-baked tomatoes used in this recipe.  Ridiculously simple, quick and vegelicious. 


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