So, in case you haven’t noticed – I have been away.
Yes, without sounding similar to something you’d find on the side of a cereal box, I have been doing exciting and wondrous things that you probably wouldn’t believe if I told you.
Hint: It may or may not involve Handel’s Messiah sung entirely by a collection of women, all of whom missed out on the chorus-line for Cats.
A funny thing happens when you’ve been away from something for a while – even if it’s something you reckon you’re pretty good at: you lose your mojo. Or at least, you think you do. And then suddenly you’re paranoid you can’t do it anymore – that the knack has left you for lack of repetition, which would go some lengths to explaining my sex life in 2007.
The long and the short of it is that the intrusion of metallic birds on a kind of stick thing, slow-motion babies, some people getting married and a kid with a golf-club has meant that I haven’t chopped, diced, burned, or roasted a single thing in my kitchen for over three weeks now. Not even to peel a banana or open a packet of Big Korn Bites.
I have however been eating enough fast-food to cause kidney problems in a weekend conference of CTM Sales Executives, the highlights of which have included: never-before-tried Chicken Licken slyders (which make me feel dirty but at the same time gave me the impression I’d just ascended to a small piece of heaven and weirdly enough it looks like a mini-burger), Kuai wraps, Roadhouse BBQ burgers, KFC hotwings (before which I don’t think I’d ever truly understood the meaning of the phrase ‘ring sting’, and now that I do I’m not sure I’m a better man for it…), Cheese Chip ‘n Dip, hotdogs bought from a very suspicious man at the cricket, deep dish pizza from Romans (which should actually be re-named “pizza ingredients on bread”), Wimpy combos, a Cornish Pastie from the Sasol Garage and a pink coconut thing which I don’t want to talk about.
Incidentally I’m thinking of pitching a show called “Jono Eats the Whole World” and seeing how it flies.
So, if change is as good as a holiday, then I’ve just done the culinary equivalent of a dirty German sex-vacation in Mexico.
Now that I’ve come out the other end of this pornographic excess, this new week is going to be dedicated to erasing the memory of Things I’ve Put In My Mouth That Make Me Ashamed and losing the 3 kgs I’ve put on while doing it. Hopefully some of this will stack up in my karmic favour and I wont have to spend the afterlife shaving Julius Malema’s back.